India, Cast of Characters

For those of you following along at home I've created a quick reference guide for the characters we met along our tour of India. In order or appearance;

Colleen - Emergency room doctor in her second year of residency at a hospital in New Jersey. Colleen was part of our tour from Delhi to Pushkar. Colleen came to India to give a lecture on "The Thyroid Storm" at a medical conference.

Helene - Emergency room doctor (not related to Colleen, married to Mark) at a hospital in Chicago. Helene was part of our trip from Delhi to Pushkar and provided solid medical advice and acted as a proxy for our mothers.

Mark - Chief of Surgery at the University of Chicago's hospital (not related to Colleen, married to Helene). With us from Delhi to Pushkar. Mark is kind of like the Dos Equis Most Interesting Man. He's been to both the North and South Pole (the North by dog sled, the South by cross country skiing), been bitten by an anaconda in Central America, had a bug fly out of his shoulder while having the bug surgically removed and has run two marathons over the age of 50, both faster than me. Lesson learned from Mark: if you want to make a big purchase that your wife isn't keen on, buy her expensive jewellery before hand.

Kami - Tour guide from Delhi to Pushkar. Kami has a masters degree in history and definitely showed it. We learned a lot from Kami over the week we were with him. Kami had an educated answer for all of our questions, or he's an extremely good bull shitter.

Stuart - Brief but memorable appearances from Jaipur to Aurangabad. Stuart appears to be the love child of Mr. Burns from (the Simpsons) and Kramer (from Seinfeld). Divorce lawyer from New York. He is definitely his own best customer as he has been married and divorced 5 times. He currently has a girlfriend but that didn't stop him from trying to have sex with every female he saw. Of all the sleazy things he did over the time we were with him, the sleaziest thing he did was tell us to check out his daughter's sex scene and tell him what we thought. No joke. He has a daughter who is an actress and was in a sex scene in a movie, he simply wanted opinions.

Herb - 74 year old, semi-retired real estate professional from Santa Monica with strong resemblances to Mr. Magoo. Herb gets the sympathy card for this trip. He decided to do this trip because his beloved 10 year old German shepherd died and he thought this trip would take his mind off of it. A week into the trip his sister died as well. Herb mentioned these events in between bouts of complaining about everything else. We traveled with Herb from Pushkar to Aurangabad.

Maureen - 74 year old homemaker who is as sweet as she is immobile. You have to give her credit for going on a three week trip to India, but you also have to ask why a 74 year old who can barely get around would go on a 3 week trip to India?

Fran - 70 something widow and technophobe. At Jaipur Fran demanded a different hotel. The tour company obliged and sent her an email asking for her credit card info. Fran never responded and the day she was supposed to go to the different hotel our tour guide asked her why she hadn't responded. She yelled back at him that the tour company sent the email to her email in America, how could she possibly access her American email in India. Because you know, you can't access Hotmail in India. The tour of India cost several thousand dollars and was Fran's last big trip, she brought along two disposable cameras to remember it. Luckily, we were only with Fran from Pushkar to Udaipor.

Anna - 60 something from Texas. We were with Anna from Pushkar to Udaipor and she spent that entire time sleeping in the back seat of the bus or staying on a bench outside the site while we went in. Maybe Anna was a figment of our imagination...

Frank and Karen - 60 something couple from LA. Frank and Karen were taking a prviate tour with our tour company, which meant we saw them at all the sites and hotels, but we never travelled with them. Really nice couple that we enjoyed spending time with at dinner and the Mumbai airport. Favorite topics of conversation: Herbeen and the amazing sights we've seen on the tour.

Naji - Tour guide from Pushkar to Udaipor. You could definitely tell Naji was being pushed to his limits with the group he had (Herbeen, Fran and Anna). You could also tell that Naji liked us a lot because we were interested in the sights. At the end of our trip Naji gave us a nice little figurine.

Mumbai Tour Guide - Strong resemblance to pond scum. Neither one of us remember this guy's name, so "Mumbai Tour Guide" is the most civil name I can give him. The guy wasn't interested in showing us the sights or giving us information at all, he only cared about getting his cut from the sales.

Sanjay - Tour guide in Aurangabad. Another great tour guide. Taught us a lot about Aurangabad and India and showed us stunning sights. He's engaged to be married early next year and has met his fiance all of two times. We really felt bad for him for getting reamed by Herb for taking so long at the caves, even though we spent the exact amount of time that was specified in the itinerary.

Cameo appearances:

Anderson Cooper - Closeted TV news anchor travelling with his 'friend'. Cameo appearance at the Amber Fort in Jaipur and had a brief conversation with Lara (Lara: "Are you Anderson Cooper?!?!", Anderson: "Yes, I am", Lara: inaudible giggling)

That nice older couple with the guy who has a bad back - Nice older couple that was travelling solo with our tour company. We saw them at several locations. The guy had back surgery a month before the trip and couldn't carry anything.